I’m sorry for being away and those if you who stuck around I..
🕑 Added 2021-01-11 22:50:15 +0000 UTC
I’m sorry for being away and those if you who stuck around I thank you so much. So an explanation on what was going on in my life, since September things have been really rough, for one I new I was pregnant felt it in my bones, was throwing up multiple times a day etc. Then I had was seemed to be a miscarriage for three weeks so I had assumed that, that was that. Although I was still sick and still felt off for months, I took two pregnancy tests in October and November and both came back negative. I didn’t understand what was going on but came November I started to feel like myself again.
Beginning of December comes around and I go into the emergency room in so much pain to find out that I’m 4 and a half months pregnant. I was so shocked but also knew the whole time. When I got back from the hospital I got a letter on my door saying I was being evicted due to an unpaid balance and begged them to give me just two more days to pay it but no. (I also thought I had until the 31st). On this same day my car had been stolen. So on December 9th I now was with out a car, with out a home, and with a dog and cat. They gave me 6 hours the following day to remove all of my belongings. It was a bit traumatic to have my entire life flipped upside down in 24hrs. But I was so happy to know I was going to be having a little one. I was scared it was going to be so soon but I was so happy despite what anyone else said. I did contemplate alternative options because that’s what everyone else wanted and with the way my life was going I didn’t know if I could do it. But by the time I even looked into it I was too far along to even have that happen so I was relieved. After bouncing around from hotel to hotel whatever I could afford and where would allow animals I finally was close enough to work where I wasn’t spending $500 a week on ubers and things started to look up.
Then leading right up to Christmas I started having the worst abdominal pain and knew something was wrong. Very early Christmas Eve I found out that my little boys heart stopped beating and the cause was more then likely from all the stress and for not taking care of myself before I knew I was pregnant. So at 5months 5 days I lost him and had to have a very painful surgery. Nothing has quite felt the same since. It has been a little over two weeks since then. Before New Year’s Day I honestly didn’t know who I was anymore I drowned my self in alcohol and the pain pills I couldn’t even have sex yet. but all I wanted was to just do something with someone random and feel connection love anything. I had never felt so alone. After an attempt for suicide I decided I really want to live, I have a lot to live for and I do have people that care. The past week I’ve been staying with my family and it’s helped me tremendously to focus on what I want in my life and just having support. Kylie Jean has been there so much for me as well and I could never thank her enough for that. Since then I’ve been able to get a car I’ve decided to be 100% sober this year and will be moving into my own place in a week
It’s insane how much can happen so quickly but everything does happen for a reason and I think this needed to be a reality check for me. All the things I go through all of the time seemed so minuscule at this point. I needed to stop having so much self pity and take control of my life a long time ago. By neglecting responsibilities and making hasty decisions I’ve created so many problems for myself through out the years and I realize how easy it is to avoid those things. So maybe all of this really was a blessing in disguise to look at the more important things in life and stop focusing on negativity or feel like the world is falling in every situation. Because my world actually did fall this time and I’m still here and still fighting. So if I can go through that everything else feels possible.
My apologies for the long message just wanted to give you guys a little insight on what has been happening. But I am so much happier now and I appreciate you guys being there so much. Please pray for my little angel.
