katyuskamoonfox
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Was diggin up the archives and was sending out some of my co..
🕑 Added 2025-01-30 13:44:22 +0000 UTC Was diggin up the archives and was sending out some of my cosplay sets tonight. Like who the hell was that?! hahahahahahaha, I really wanna break out of this lil mind warp I'm in, I feel like I've given up on myself, but I know I got a bigger brain now, I wish I could get the brain and body in sync.UGH Age is a bizarre thing. But then again, this was like 3 years ago yet Im acting like its 100....But then again, looking back to when I was at my.... professional peak? uh... well popular? (they all sound horrible, scratch that heh) THE BOOMER DAYS OF SOCIAL MEDIA!!! I was so insecure, yet STILL I hear about how I was so much better back then, but then all I'd hear was what was wrong with me, along with all the forums and mean stuff...Crazy thing was duriong these years I was so insecure about how I looked. I struggled to take photos with others or go out to cons very much. It very much felt like luck that I got to do this professionally and I think others knew it too, which was why I copped it so much.. In person I was very quiet and no where near as oretty as my photos... A LOT of work went into them I guess...Then life happened and like the camelion Ive always been, I changed... Well, in retrospect I'd been trying to find myself in characters I admired growing up, so it doesn't sound that unusual, albeit very Freudian right now hahahhaI mean who expects a COSPLAYER, one from the boomer era in particular, to start doing this for any other reason than passion? or a nerd with some identity issues... I mean, there was NO way to make money from it when I started and for about10 years afterwards, it was a way to spend money hahahhaha but NOT to make it!It's all changed so much recently. I'm not entirely up to date on anime these days and post patreon-era everyone jumped on board and it became common to turn cosplay into a job, I admit, I pulled away without much thought. I guess, other than a few viral memes I was in when I was late teens/early twenties, I didnt intend to do cosplay as a job.... It just happened. Ive been doing it since I was 13.... well back in 2007 is when I first made my first costume, so 13-14? But I never was the type to try pull attention or be savy at the social media stuff, I guess back then, pre-covid and long before, it wasn't so common. So I got lucky...I kinda rejected the idea of being an "E-Girl", a term that was only coined at my whithering end haha. Nothing against the term, it's become something in itself and a very different genre to what I've felt I've been in, but it just was a new era I struggled to fit in. I taught myself how to sew when I was 13 and did it for years. Going to the conventions when I was in highschooool was the first time I really got a chance to feel welcomed and have a chance to meet friends with hobbies I rally cared about. Sewing, waiting for the next con, chatting on some dodgy chat rooms and roleplaying on a friday night was my adolesence, Things that gave my life so much light. Now it's so easy to buy a cosplay and it all feels so commercialised ( Ironic, I know, considering it was my job for years ). In hindsight it SHOULD be great, but being creative and expression has always been my passion. The more accessible it became, and the more of a fad it became, I drifted off...It sucks... I dont know why I shut myself off so much.... Maybe because if I'm interested in something and care about it, there'd be someone who doesn't care, making money off it... Maybe because I'd done cosplay as a job, unintentially buit regardless.... I just ran with it, I looked at myself in the same vein....I began questioning a lot of things, while going through some of the most troubling periods in my life during covid era, while upsetting and difficult, just letting myself be free in a sense and allowing myself to have all those messy things in life happen, although damaging to my brain, was also very freeing for the other half. I sometimes have trouble looking back, because, I am envious of the energy and passion I had, but also, I remember how deeply insecure I was, even moreso than now... I wish I could tell her something along the lines of "You don't need to feel that way".... But I know she wouldn't listen hahahaOverall, it was, and this STILL is, a dream come true, because after the amount of bullying and lack of parentals growing up and any positive reinforcement, I never of thought people would care about me in my flesh vessel.... and as a kid, all you want to do is grow up and be pretty and be a popstar. Well..... I wanted to be judge Judy at 4 years old... My family nickname for me was based off her, but I'll never tell hahahah. But the irony of wanting to be in law at 5, then growing up to be in porn hahahahhahahhahaha BE WARNED OF ANYCHILD THAT SAYS THEY WANT A LEGITMATE JOB. Trust that kid that wants to be a penguin. The penguin kid will go far..But the point of today's rambling..... Not sure there is one... BUT thank you for being here, probably at my most boring time of my life (despite the car explosions and robberies hahahhahaha) I feel like Im trying to find passions anywhere and in anything, and while I learn something new everyday, Im plagued by the fact, Im still so insecure I struggle to share it with you guys or with anyone. So in the end, cosplay was great. Despite the struggles, they'll never truly go away, insecurity may get better in some ways, but itll rear it's head in others. I see myself as lucky just to have you guys to tell me to keep going, I know that's a privilidge not many people have and it's also the reason I want to be here and keep in contact... I could be a wealthy OF girl, but it's just me and I'm almost useless hahaha I probbly need to work harder or get another job to keep things afloat now, but I couldnt ever sell msyelf to a company, just purely because these connections I make here and online ARE my lifeline... I hardly leave the house or talk very much.I wonder if I'll find my way back into the burning passion of cosplay or whether it will evolve, but more than anything, the fact I rarely post on social media, YET youre here..... it's crazy.. Rain or shine, I truly can say despite all the craziness you may here about my ongoings in life, I mean it when I say I'm the luckiest, unlucky girl of all time. So.... that went pretty far... and Im not sure how to end that novel hahahhahaha so.... PEACE!....? Smell ya later. This is (not) an existential crisis.
